Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
