tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
