I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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