You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
