his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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