I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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