just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
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