Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
