Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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