I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Watching her eat just hurts me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
