FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just found a bag of teeth...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
