you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
