Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
