My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
