final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
