My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
