the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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