remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
