If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
