I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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