only if we run a train.
done.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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