Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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