Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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