Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
