Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
