textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
