From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
