Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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