if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
