she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
