my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
