Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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