the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
