if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
