I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
