he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
