The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
