Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
