I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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