i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
