just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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