Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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