i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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