wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
