went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
