two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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