I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
