I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
