They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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