Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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