she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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