Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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