we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Randomize
