i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize