remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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