well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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