She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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