im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am naked and annoyed.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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