I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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