After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
