Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
