pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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