Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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