he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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