Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
ok first of all what the fuck
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
